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Losing my best friend |
My Mother passed away on Oct. 2nd. It was a suprise but not totally unexpected. My Mother was doing so well until she took a family vacation around the first of August. After the trip she seemed ill. She went to her internist right away.
The more she went to him the worse she got and he kept saying she was fine. About a month into all this she wasn't able to get out of the bed. We changed doctors and took her to the emergency room. It was then found she had cirrhosis of the liver. This was a surprise because my Mother never drank.
They said it was treatable and started a bunch of new meds. As the weeks went by she got worse and worse instead of better and they ordered an MRI. They admitted her to the hospital right away and told us she had liver cancer. It was so bad the top of her liver was gone. She died 6 days later.
It was devastating we got to say good bye and she really did not suffer. It's just sad she is gone. We were so close. I feel so empty now. Even though I am 34 I believe this has made me grow up finally. I am not Mama's baby girl anymore. In a way I feel orphened. I am the youngest of four girls.
The oldest sister lived at home with my parents for convenience sake. She hasn't really shed a tear during all this. She has just be diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on her spine and has started radation treatments and will have chemo soon. She always focused on herself instead of Mother's illness. I am so angry at her for not being better to Mother and for being so selfish. I should be helping her but I am too angry.
I started back at my job today and it was hard. All the warm wishes and hugs made it really tough. I thought it would be business as usual but I was so tired and drained I thought the day was never going to end.
My parents had just bought a new house and moving day was 2 days after mom entered the hospital. They had lived in the old house 47 years so it was heartbreaking for them to move anyway. Mama never maade it to the new house. I cried as the movers hauled out the furniture. I felt like I lost my childhood home as well as Mama. There has been so many, major changes that I feel overwhelmed. The moving, Mama's death and my sister cancer.
I have so many emotions that I feel like I am on a roller coaster. The crazy part is I have picked up the phone to call Mama to tell her something; then I remembered. Today I went driving toward the new house and I realized that I had done it again. I had forgotten she was dead again for one tiny moment. How could I forget ! I even have her favorite sweater. I won't wash it I don't want the scent of her perfume to fade. I even got angry when dad let my sister have some of her makeup. I didn't want her things touched and I didn't want to have to share her things. Am I just a mean selfish person? I truly hope not! I just really hate loosing my best friend; my Mother.
Laura is a member of Beyond Indigo. Her mother recently lost her battle with cancer.